A day of appointments

So today I started the day with a heating and cooling estimate, then I picked Nathan up for a doctors consultation. This was a hard appointment to make in some ways because I feel like I am amitting defeat. Why is this hard? Nathan already is getting special ed services, and has been for a bit. Many days he seems like a typical kid, and a typical boy, and people think I am nuts for having him in special ed. But they are not around for the afterfall of the day. They are not around on the bad days. The days where he cries over a shoelace. Where he screams I hate you just because you asked him to shower. Where he flat out does the opposite he is told. When he touches the hot stove because he does not believe you when you say it's hot. This has gone on since he was 3. He will be 7 in a couple weeks. Nathan is reading at an amazing level. He's in first grade, and polished off "diary of a Wimpy kid" in 4 days. His math skills are brilliant. But it's an hour fight to get him to write 10 spelling words. He melts crying that he's stuipid, dumb and can't do it. Cries that he is yelled at all the time. I meet with his teacher frequently. He is a mystery to us all. We do not have a diagnosis, just ideas to try to help. He gets OT twice a week, as he has sensory concerns. He has a 1:1 aide to keep him focused. She suggested looking into ADD or ADHD. Problem is, Nathan can focus when he wants to. He can focus for hours at a clip..... I have a hard time buying the ADD or ADHD tag. Pediatrician told me it almost seems like high functioning Aspergers. This is something I have thought of on and off, but that tag doesn't quiet fit either. Oppositional defiant disorder was also thrown around, and that scares me. I don't know what this is, I just want to sweet loving child that he can be some days........ So we are going to go get more testing done. I don't know what the suggestions will be from there. I don't know if I want meds, I am scared to death of what they might do to my kid. But if they do help stabilize things and make him happier, and make things so that we aren't constantly arguing.... it might be worth it.

My last appointment was for my foot. X-rays were taken. Things are okay, but the metal is bothering me, and probably needs to come out. I am going back in May, and hopefully I will feel better after the surgery. I will be out of work for about a week. Lets hope it's not longer.

In an instant

Life is such a delicate balance. Life can totally change in an instant. On Friday, I was driving home from work. I had a craving for a Mocha. I pull into the center turn lane and wait for traffic. Unfortunately I learned why many people refer to these lanes as suicide lanes. Next thing I know a white Toyota is coming at me head on full speed. Next thing, air bags are everywhere, smoke is everywhere, and I attempt to get out of my car. I find my left foot is not working. This is where the kindness of strangers comes in. People are everywhere in the bitter cold. Calling 911, asking if I am OK, leading me to sit down in the backseat of my car since the car is not on fire. The ambulance comes, and they load me in to take me to the hospital. My life is changed forever. I am a stubborn person, and do not like having to rely on others for things. I have had to learn to trust people (the ambulance drivers not to drop me, the nurse to come and give me pain meds when I ask, my husband to assist me with simple things getting dressed, getting to the bathroom, everything!) I do not like this feeling of helplessness. I am confined to my bedroom, because the way this house is set up. The bathroom is upstairs, and so is he bedroom. I literally crawled up the stairs on hands a knee's to avoid any weight bearing on my left foot.... oh did I mention the chest bruises, and injuries there?? Crutches are very painful to use because of the chest injuries. I never knew skin could turn that color (deep violet/scarlet) I am grateful for my husband who has taken over the role of primary caregiver for the kids. This has been an adjustment, but he is handling it well. We have had many offers of assistance from friends and neighbors. Right now I don' even know where to start. I need to call the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow, and hopefully will be given an idea of when surgery will take place, as well as how long it will be to recover. I don't mean for this post to be a whiny one, just amazes me how life changes so much in an instant!!

It's kindy time!

Wow, what a whirlwind this has been. Olivia started kindy yesterday. I was a nervous wreck. Here I was sending my oldest child off to school. Now this in itself wasn't a big deal. Olivia has been attending school since she was 18 months. Has been in childcare since she was 6 months. This was a big deal because here was Olivia heading out to a real live Kindy class. Full inclusion. And even scarier for me.... she was going to the YMCA afterschool. Would staff be able to look after her?? They all know her there, and she enjoys going... but..... how will the other kids be? Will she be accepted?? Will she have friends? Olivia gets up for school yesterday. She is excited to be going on the big bus to school. She decides she needs to start the day right, and shower before school. Mind you... she showered the night before, but she insisted on this. She showers, then gets dressed. Tells me she wants PBJ for lunch which I make for her. She eats breakfast, gets ready for the bus, and before I know it.. is off to school. I worry, but what can I do.. this is part of life. I go off to work, and have my cell phone handy. Did I mention I wrote a note to her aide to make sure they knew she was to go to the YMCA afterschool... and several other little things. I call the Y from work to make sure she arrived. The lady at the front desk knows me well, and messes with me... "Olivia who????" then reassures me that she's fine. I go to pick her up, and am in awe. My girl is chasing several boys, talking up a storm, and having a blast. I hear kids yelling Olivia.. come play with me... over here... hey Olivia... look what I have.... do you want to do this?? and on and on it goes. She is having a blast. The counselor assures me that everyone is in love, and that she did great. Olivia has to hug everyone goodbye before she leaves. It was so neat to see her so happy.
Today Olivia did not go to the YMCA because I am home. She gets off the bus, and hands me her bookbag. Grinning ear to ear. I open it up, and there is an award in her bag. I ask her what she got it for. She tells me playground. I read her book. Olivia was being pushed on the swing by her new friend. She then got off, and told him to sit, and pushed him. She even ordered her lunch, and chose chocolate milk. She used to tell me she didn't like chocolate milk! Amazing how they grow up! I am so thrilled at this time about her school. She is thrilled to go, and looks forward to it every day. I hope this continues!

Why me... why not me???

I am truely amazed. I have been taken on a jouney that I would have never predicted. Maybe it's because Oliiva was born to me.... maybe it was fate... who knows. I sometimes wonder why me? But I am truely grateful. I have always been interested in helping people. I started working for a school for individuals with disability's at the age to 19. I left my summer job of 5 years at a museum to take a job as a teacher aide. I did internships in college at this school, and fell in love. That's why in the summer of 94 I went to work with individuals with disabilities. I loved the work. I loved "making a difference" I did not love getting my hair pulled (so I cut it short, and learned to sing Thumbelina when in that particular predicament) I was living in a small town at the time. I often contemplate moving back. I just worry because I am not sure how accepting folks are. I now work as a service coordinator. I love my job. I have clients varying in age. I love the fact that I can go to work, and advoacte, get what my client needs, and get paid to do this. My perception on life changed a ton when Olivia chose me to be her parent. I wouldn't change her for the world. I observed this poor unsupecting crew of volunteers melt this morning. I watched them quietly argue over who got to work with my girl. Who got to lead the horse, who got to stand on each side of her to ensure her safety. Who got to cheer her on for all the work she did. Having a child with a disability has enriched my life in ways I can not describe. It makes me see things differently. I guess that's one advantage I have in my job... I see tha parents perspective, and try to incorperate that also without loosing sight of the clients dreams. I am truely blessed.

All Souls day

It is so strange to me. I went to church today, and they talked about all souls day. Remembering those that have passed within the past year. We were each given a card to write their name on, and they were read off during a prayer. I wrote my Grandfather's name down. My grandfather and I had a spotty relationship while I was growing up. I lived next door to him. He had a hard time showing affection in someway's, but you always knew he loved you. He was a jokester, and at his funeral many people told stories about him, and things came up that I never knew about him. Grandpa was the type of guy that didn't talk a ton, he didn't say what was on his mind a lot. He did however have some opinions that I disagreed with. This is what worried me when I had a child with Down Syndrome. I assumed that he would disown me. Because my child was different. Grandpa lived in the country, and he really was kind of sheltered. However when I brought my little girl to see him, who was about 4 months old, and had recently had heart surgery he just looked at her with such love. He was amazed at her strength. He was proud of her when she would do the hand motions to wheels on the bus. He was beaming when she learned to walk. Whenever I talked to him on the phone his first words out of his mouth were how is that great granddaughter of mine?? He accepted her fully, and I am thrilled with that. In his last few years on earth Grandpa and I had some conversations that made me reevaluate who he was. I didn't realize growing up how important his family and kids were to him. I know that there were the yearly parties that everyone attended, the holidays were a huge gathering when I was younger. I guess I took this for granted. My husband did not come from a large family. His family does live close by, however we don't visit them as often as we should. They hard a hard time accepting my daughter when she was diagnosed with DS. I know that they accept her now, and are thrilled with all her progress, however part of me is still hurt by the initial things of unacceptence. I don't know, I guess it may boil down to education, they both are very educated people, and maybe having a grandchild who is mentally handicapped is hard for them, maybe that's why my grandfather was so accepting. He graduated from the 3rd grade, and then went to work. Grandpa always stressed to us that we needed to go to college. He didn't make it well known that he only finished the 3rd grade. I found out after I got my Bachlors degree. Guess I am rambling now. Back to the point.....
I wrote down Grandpa's name. I loved him dearly, and do miss him greatly. Here's to you Grandpa, may you finally be in peace. I love you!